You spend enough time in this world and you pass any number of physical milestones. Babies roll over, crawl, pull themselves up and take their first steps, all too great parental acclaim. Later, as a child develops, there will be other physical changes. Hair sprouts in any number of places, voices change, and physiques morph into more adult forms. These changes seem inevitable but are accomplished more smoothly when aided by care and advice from medical professionals. 
If you are fortunate to live to the ripe old age of 50 it is recommended that you get a colonoscopy done to check out the plumbing. In a possible case of Too Much Information (TMI; as all the kids are saying) I am proud to admit that my colonoscopy yielded a good result. I had it done some time ago and am overjoyed to report that Dr. Rubberhosen (not his actual name – but the name I refer to him by) found nothing for me to be concerned about and gave me a clean bill of tail-pipe health (“Not for a lack of looking.” Chevy Chase as Fletch).
The procedure itself is relatively easy but not something I would voluntarily sign on again for before the 10 year span for a second procedure that my good initial result warrants. At the beginning of the procedure a mild anesthesia is administered so you get a little drowsy, but you are generally awake throughout the procedure.
Word has it that W. Bush had a colonoscopy done while he was President and that for the first five minutes of the anesthesia Dick Cheney was in charge of the country until the anesthesiologist determined that W. was in as complete control of his faculties as he could be, so he retook the reins of power while still on the exam table. Evidently properly pronouncing “NUCLEAR” is NOT one of the tests they use to gauge mental faculties when administering drugs. For me the very thought of “President Cheney” scares me more than my next visit with Dr. Rubberhosen does.
Everyone I’ve ever spoken to that has had a colonoscopy has agreed that the prep FOR the test is far, far worse than the test itself. Here is a list of the instructions:
7 Days Prior: Stop taking certain meds & Aspirin 3 Days Prior: Confirm your ride to & from the procedure & plan and prepare for your diet. 2 Days Prior: Start drinking 8 glasses of water a day. Stop taking any anti-inflammation meds. Stop eating seeds, popcorn and nuts. No solid food after midnight. 1 Day Prior: Start a clear (liquid) only diet. Mix your gallon of prescribed liquid laxative. Take the prescribed laxative pills and drink the liquid laxative every 15 minutes for two hours. Day of the Procedure: Clear liquids only until 3 hours before the procedure. Arrive ½ hour early with someone to drive you home and prepare to be probed where the sun don’t shine.
I illustrated that whole involved preparation to offer it as a contrast. Those of you that have had the pleasure of meeting my now 80 year old Dad may have noticed that he suffers from a malady known as Essential Tremors. His situation manifests itself as shaky hands when he attempts to grasp, lift, or otherwise manipulate things with his hands. Over the years his shaking hands have gotten to be a real nuisance for him and he has recently seen specialists at the Mayo Clinic where he will be having Deep Brain Stimulation to address the situation. This procedure involves opening his skull and placing electrical leads into his brain, then attaching a device similar to a pacemaker, to control the current to regulate the portion of the brain that causes the tremors. An invasive procedure in the brain seems quite involved and delicate but here is the preparation he needs to go through for the brain portion of HIS procedure:
The night before Surgery: Wash the head and neck with an antiseptic soap. Get a good night of sleep. No food or drink after midnight. Day of Surgery: Take your usual meds with a little bit of water. Get to the clinic ½ hour before the surgery.
I find it odd that a colonoscopy patient has a whole week of detailed preparation just to get their caboose checked out but Dad, who is getting his skull opened to have probes implanted in his brain, merely has to follow instructions that each of our kindergarten teachers gave us; practice good hygiene and get a good night’s sleep. WOW. Please keep us Stroessners, particularly Dad, in your thoughts and prayers on May 4th, as he undergoes the brain part of the procedure. The pacemaker part follows a week or two later.
Incidentally, in the last few months I have undergone some physical therapy on my elbow as I screwed it up being a weekend warrior and lifting too much weight repetitively as part of my workouts. I now know a little about brain surgery, colonoscopies, and elbow therapy. So for those of you that have invariably often wondered; I DO know my ass from my elbow.
Who knew?
No comments:
Post a Comment